This is the first time in a very long time that I can honestly say that I don't feel anything. I don't feel happy or sad, excited or nervous, loved or hated. I don't feel anything.

I think it's ironic that I'm being preached at by people that can't even live the words that they're saying. They can pray for me, but they won't consider the idea of NOT spreading rumors and gossip. I'm a whore, they say. How I can look at myself, they ask. I wonder the same things about them. Right now, I'm an open book. Everything I have is layed our for everyone to see. I am raw and exposed, and they're mocking me for it. They think they're better than me, and it may be true.. but from my perspective, we're all on the same level. They say one thing and do another, just like I did. Except they're the ones that go to Grace to comfort her, so it's okay when it's not me. She's another story. She's not like the rest of them. I have yet to hear someone tell me that she's smothering my name in the dirt. That, too, is ironic, because she's the only one that has every right to do it. That's life, I suppose.

On an entirely seperate note, I found something today. It just seemed to add on to everything that I've been thinking, everything he's saying. It's this never-ending circle. I know how it's going to end, but I can't change my path. It's like watching a train wreck, I guess. I can't look away, even though I know it's best. It confirmed my sole question, but it sparked my curiosity. How far is he willing to take this? How long is he going to hold my hand, how long will his shoulder be there for me to cry on? Every night, I try harder and harder to ignore what I know is the inevitable, but I almost don't want to. I want to let him help me, I want to accept his care and concern. I want all of our extremely unrealistic dreams to come true, and I want to run away from this town to give this a fighting chance.

Have I told you lately that I love you?
Fill my heart with laughter, makes it better
I hope that you feel the same as I do
Your love is like a warm, comfy sweater
And when the lights go down in the city
You are my shining star, you are oh so pretty
You are my one true peace, my pure white dove
And so I say, I can love you like that
I can give you my world, give you my heart
When you are with me, I'm happy, I'm glad
Once blind, you are my night light in the dark
And to you, this is my last serenade
My love for you will never fade