I feel used, and I feel empty. Something is just missing, and I can't seem to place my finger on it. I'm not quite satisfied, and I feel like that makes me a worse person.
When it comes to Kevin, I don't know. I feel.. lots of different things. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile. He makes me nervous. And then he makes me mad. It's ridiculous how something so little can make my heart hurt like it did. Why do I care so much? The answer to that question has been avoiding me for quite some time now. I have to put on this front and pretend to everyone that's it's all okay, that I'm a big girl. But I'm not. I'm scared and I don't know what's going on. I feel used. I feel like I'm just a God damned chase for him, and I hate it. But I still stick around. I'm the friend. He can come to me with every problem that he has, and I'll be there, undoubtedly. I have been every time, and I will continue to be. So where does it put me in the end? The bottom of the shit list.
And Nate. I love him. I love spending time with him. I love him for 365 reasons. But today was different. I felt something different. For the first time, I felt nothing. We were laying in my bed taking a nap, and I kept scooting farther and farther away from him. Why? I don't know. Maybe I'm just thinking too much. It's entirely possible, I suppose. He has done absolutely nothing wrong, so why do I feel (or not feel) the way that I do? Maybe it's just a temporary thing. I hope so, anyway. I'm starting to play Spider Solitaire for hours on end. When that happens, all hell is about to break loose.
No one really wins this time . . .
legokev6: Someday we'll try you and melegokev6: but in the mean time.....goodnight Abitha
I don't trust people very easily. I never have, and I don't think that I ever will. Wednesday, I walked out of school, and I saw Nate standing by his car talking to (none other than) Kelly. In that moment, so many thoughts started flying through my head. My insecurities have always taken the best of me, just like they did at that moment. And just like always, as soon as something solid is shaken, I build a wall around myself, specifically my heart. However, while those walls are flying up in record speed, I put on a smile and pretend like I'm fine, just a typical day. She saw me and bolted to her car. But not before asking me if I still wanted to go climbing. Of course. Yesterday, Nate and I were laying on my bed when he tells me they've been talking. Oh. He initiated the conversation. She wants to go for coffee. Lovely. What am I supposed to think about that? I know I should trust him, and I do. Trusting her is a different story. "But she's happy, and her intentions are pure." Fine, then let me have coffee with Kevin. Oh, but now everything changes.
You see, the situations are the same. But not at all. Nate took the initiative to go back to Kelly. I think that is what cuts the deepest. If a three minute conversation with Kelly is enough to send him running back in her direction, has there been a point to the past 11 and a half months? I'm starting to doubt. So they're going for coffee. Why? Because they dated for a year and a half, and to throw it away because of a silly breakup is crazy. But if it's so crazy, why now? Why didn't they work to stay friends before this? So I'm expected to be okay with it for the goodness of mankind. Hey, guess what. I'm not. I think my worries are valid. If after five minutes, Nate suddenly felt obliged to reconstruct a close relationship, what will a few hours do? More than plenty, I'm sure. And then there's Kevin. We're going for coffee. Why? Because we can't throw each other to the side like nothing happened. We both know that's not true. Our caffeine-based meeting has the sole purpose of eliminating awkwardness between our random encounters in the hallway. The tense "Hi, how are things, fine, and you? How's Na.. school?" will be out of existence.
So which is worse: coffee with an exgirlfriend, or coffee with an ex.. whatever he was?
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