Mary Beam.

August 12, 1921 - November 18, 2006.

We love and miss you.

You called me last night on the telephone
And I was glad to hear from you 'cause I was all alone
You said, it's snowing, it's snowing! God, I hate this weather.
Now I walk through blizzards just to get us back together

We met in the springtime at a rock-and-roll show
It was on the bowery when it was time to go
We kissed on the subway in the middle of the night
I held your hand, you held mine, it was the best night of my life.

'Cause everyone's your friend in New York City
And everything looks beautiful when you're young and pretty
The streets are paved with diamonds and there's just so much to see
But the best thing about New York City is you and me

Statue of Liberty, Staten Island ferry, Co-op City, Katz's and Tiffany's
Central Park, Brooklyn Bridge, the Empire State where Dylan lived
Coney Island and Times Square, Rockefeller Center
Wish I was there

You wrote me a letter just the other day
Said, springtime is coming soon so why dont you come to stay.
I packed my stuff, got on the bus, I can't believe it's true
I'm three days from New York City and I'm three days from you

'Cause everyone's my friend in New York City
And everything looks beautiful when you're young and pretty
The streets are paved with diamonds and there's just so much to see
But the best thing about New York City is you and me.

Once again, I've found myself losing control. I've lost control of my family and life. It's like a ritual. When something happens, I blast my music as loud as it can possibly go, and I come here. I run back to this place like a safe haven. I can write freely all of my thoughts and feelings.

I know you feel helpless now
And I know you feel alone.

I went to see her again today. Yesterday, she was so happy. She was laughing and making jokes, despite the fact that she has hundreds of tubes running in and out of her body. Yesterday when I walked into the room, she looked at me, smiled, and said, "Abigail." She remembered me. She was doing so well.

Soft voices lie, innocents die
Now ain't that a shame
And all your dreams, and all your money they don’t mean a thing
When everything is said and done, you won’t have one thing left
What happened to everything that I have ever known?

Today, I walked towards her room with excitement. I couldn't wait to talk to her again. By now, I know the halls of the ICU like I know the back of my hand. But I walked into her room and everything was so.. different. She was tied down to the sides of her bed because she'd been ripping her IV's out. I put my hand inside of hers and tried to wake her up. She didn't. She wouldn't wake up. I let go, and I hung up the picture on her bulletin board. I set out the chapstick that I brought for her. I walked back to her bedside and stood beside my great-grandfather. She was staring at him, so I thought she had woken up. He kept saying her name, kept trying to talk to her. "Mary. Mary, it's me, Ray. Wake up. Don't you remember me? It's just old Ray. I'm just waiting for you to be okay. Mary, it's Ray. Remember, I love you." But she couldn't remember. She doesn't know her own husband. She was just looking straight through him. I tried to talk to her, tried to hold her hand again. She looked towards me, and her eyes were completely empty. Nothing has ever hurt as much as that did. She doesn't know us. She's trying so hard, but her brain just isn't working. It refuses to cooperate.

Those little things you say
When words mean so much
You never back down
And they all shy away
You always listen to me

I talked to the doctor. She's got so much blood in her brain, but there's nothing they can do about it. Her brain is so swollen; they can't operate. It's just a waiting game. I don't want to play games with time. It's not fair. The next 3 days are going to be the worst, he told me. The swelling always intensifies, like a sprained ankle. If she makes it through the next 3 days, then she's on her way to recovering. He hopes.

I'm not suposed to be scared of anything, but I don't know where I am
I wish that I could move, but I'm exhausted and nobody understands how I feel
I'm trying hard to breathe now but there's no air in my lungs
There's no one here to talk to and the pain inside is making me numb

I try to hold this under control
They can't help me 'cause no one knows

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes

I'm feeling weak and weary walking through this world alone
Everything you say, every word of it, cuts me to the bone
I've got something to say, but now I've got no where to turn
It feels like I've been buried underneath all the weight of the world