I don't quite know how to say how I feel
Those three words are said too much
They're not enough

Love. While most girls claim love to be their best friend, I submit that it's actually a girls' worst nightmare.

Or maybe it's just my worst nightmare. That's entirely possible. This feeling is terrible: Doubt.

Yes, he said that he loves me, and I don't doubt that his intentions are anything but good. I do, however, wonder about the meaning behind them. He's said it to 3 other girls; one of which I spoke to last night. She and I are similar in many ways, and that scares me only because I don't want my relationship with Nate to end up like their relationship did. He loved her. Now, they don't even speak. What kind of love is that? I know that she's wondering the same thing. And I am fully aware that I should just trust him when he says it, but I'm human, I'm a girl, I doubt the things that I don't understand. And love.. I don't understand it. Not in the least.

When Kelly and I sat down last night, that's something we talked about. She openly asked me, "Do you love him?" I said yes. I do. I've opened my heart completely, and I let him in. I don't do that. I'm the kind of person that builds up walls that are impossible to be broken down. So is she. We're so similar. She's built up walls towards Jason because of Nate. I've built my walls towards Nate because of her. My relationship with Nate is nothing like hers was. That's a good thing, I suppose, but the one thing that they have in common is love. He said he loved her. He says he loves me. Can one love more than a single person? That's just something that I can't fathom. I've never been able to, who knows if I ever will.

Yes, I know, I'm overthinking, I'm overanalyzing, I'm just driving myself crazy. Yes. I am. But I wish I had the answers to all of these questions. Did he love her? Does he really love me? How can those three words be said [with meaning] to more than one person?

Well, to end this, I'll do it simply. I love you all.

So here I am again. I have found that every time I overthink something, my thoughts and feelings get written in here. Why? Because this is only read by the most important people in my life. They already know everything that I'm thinking, they already know all of it before it's written down in this form of a diary. To everyone else, it's lost. And thus begins my mundane rambling for today.

What is love? According to God, "love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." According to Mr. Webster, love is "a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance." Mr. Webster continues with his definition, but I think the above will suffice. But what are a bunch of words? Yes, I can comprehend the meaning of the word 'love,' and it makes sense to me. What I don't understand is the actual feeling, emotion, and lifestyle (or whatever) of the word.

When I asked Sarah about it, she replied, "It's just a decision that you have to make." A decision? Is it really possible for a person to decide who they love? Is it really that easy? I don't think it is. I think that you can choose to acknowledge your love, or you can choose to ignore it, but you can't make yourself love someone.

I'm almost positive there are many kinds of love. Erin and Grace. They are my best friends, we know everything about each other. We can read each other to the point that sometimes words aren't even necessary. If anything would happen to either of them, I'd die. That's love. Jordan. He knows my entire past, he knows everything that I've ever done. I tell him everything and he doesn't pass judgement on me. He accepts me for what I am, and loves me for it. My family. It's an obligatory love, but it's always there. The love in a family is the protective kind of love. And then there's the last form of love. And I wish that I could expand on this, but I really can't because I don't know. It should encompass all of that, and then so much more.

And here we are, teenagers, throwing that word around like it's nothing. How can you truly say it, and mean it, to more than one person? 'I love you.' That's huge, and people don't realize it. Every time he says it to me, I can't help but think of the other people that he's said it to. And it's this big huge argument in my mind. If he said it to them, but didn't really mean it, how do I know if he means it when he says it to me? Or if he said it to them, and he did mean it, the significance of saying 'I love you' is gone. So what do you do? Do you go around saying it when you think that maybe, just maybe, you're in love with someone, and hope that you're not wrong? Or do you not say it until you've found someone that you know you'll love for the rest of your life, and hope that you don't pass him by while you're overanalyzing the whole meaning of the word?

It scares me, I'll be honest. Love scares the crap out of me. When you love someone, you are the most vulnerable that you will ever be in your life. And when you give your heart away, there is a chance that it will be thrown to the ground and walked on.. and that is unbearable. When that happens, you build walls around your heart, and you don't let anyone in. If someone tries to knock down those walls, if someone tries to love you, you run away. No, I don't think I've ever loved anyone like that before, but I've come dangerously close. And I admitted to myself that I was ready to let him see me completely for what I was. Oh, but I was young and stupid, and God had other plans. And my heart was one that was walked on. Since that point, I've pushed everyone away. And now that I have someone that's trying to get to me, I'm scared.. Scared out of my mind.

So when I went back and read the verse out of 1 Corinthians 13 (read it, it's good), I got my answer. No, I don't love him yet. It does not envy, it always trusts. It always trusts. So he says it, but it's not true. And that scares me even more.