So is it okay if I miss him? Because I do. I know that I've got everything that I could ever want, everything that I could ever need, but that doesn't stop me from thinking about him every once in a while. I wonder how he's doing, I wonder how life is treating him. And I think about what I could do to make him realize that I'm still here for him. Or I think about how I just want everything to end so that I don't have to wonder. Because I do; I wonder. I wonder what it will be like in 5 years. If I ran into him at the grocery store, would I recognize him? Or would we both be there buying food for a picnic that he invited me to? I hate not knowing what's going to happen. Even more, I hate being in such closes proximity, yet being so far away from each other. He was my best friend, and now I don't know a thing about him.

So I think about it. The only thing that I've wanted for the longest time, I got. But it came at an unfortunate time.. I couldn't do a thing about it. He never told me. Do you think he's scared? Or do you think that he really just doesn't care? He's got my childhood. Everything that I used to be, he is now. But I'm not that person anymore. I wish that I could go back and change everything just so that I could be that person right now. But I can't because I've got my real life to worry about. It's just not fair, though. Bethel (yes, in its entirety), Pete (and his new girl), Creation, my family. That's my childhood. And he's there with them, but I'm not. It's driving me crazy. It's like this big huge maze. I spend some time with the people that I meet in each direction, but eventually, I have to move on so that I can find my way out. But following a few years behind me, he's visiting all the places that I've been. And those places are treating him better than they treated me. I feel left out of my own past; I feel like he's got it all, but he doesn't even know it. And because he doesn't know it, he's throwing it around, carelessly, and it's just knocking me off of my feet. Time and time again.

Ugh. I think too much.