Hmm.. she's turning into Kendra. Yay. Just what I need. Sorry, but when I had a real conversation with her last night, I realized how few we've had since they've been dating. And it sucks. I don't want to say anything so I write in my blog because not many people read it. This is like the only place that I can say whatever I'm feeling and only the people that care are going to find it. Those are the people that know me and what they read, they probably know already. If not, when they read it, they are the people that I hope will do something about it.

And besides that, I feel like it's just a waste of time. I've been making an effort to be there for him when he needs it, but something just doesn't feel right. I wish it did, but I really don't know. Maybe it's God's way of telling me that it's not in his plans.. I'd hate it, but I'd have to listen. I don't know.. I've talked to him every day for the past 3 weeks and everything is great. Especially in the past couple of days, things have been getting a little better. But yesterday and today.. something just feels off, I guess. But only when I sit down and contemplate every single move and decision that I make. When I'm with him, everything is perfect. And there's a smile on my face that just doesn't go away.

I guess I just wish that I could look ahead and see if it would be worth it in the end. I don't want to spend so much time just to have my heart broken again.. it seems to be my running theme. I'm not a patient person.. at all.. and it's coming back to bite me in the butt. Because I want everything to be great, and I want it to be great now. Unfortunately, that's not the way that it works. And its killing me because I don't know what to do.

But I do love my girls. Most of them. I love most of them with my entire heart.

GAH.. As I'm spilling out every freaking detail about my family, all she can say is, "ic." What is that? They are dying and she says ic. Is that odd? She's my best friend.. and ic?!

On top of that, she's worried that she doesn't have enough time to call/hang out with Phil and she feels bad, which is honestly completely understandable. But did it completely slip her mind that she hasn't called/hung out with Erin and I for the same amount of time, if not longer?

Sorry. Just being selfish. But I do miss my best friend every once in a while. This is almost like a Kendra move. And I'm not a fan.

You had a bad day..

I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know / Please don't say you're sorry / I've heard it all before / And I can take care of myself / I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know / Please don't say 'forgive me' / I've seen it all before / And I can't take it anymore. This new rhythm I pursue / Is just my getting over you / Telling myself that I need to. The days are better, the nights are still so lonely. New York snow this time of year / There's nothing more beautiful to me / Except for you. But you / You're always on my mind / It's like this all the time. And if you will, I will / Try to let it go / And if you try, I'll try / Try to let it show us the way / 'Cause love is here to stay / Just look me in the eye / This is do or die. Just let me hold you while you're falling apart / Just let me hold you so we both fall down. Fall on me tell me everything you want me to be / Forever with you / Forever in me / Ever the same / Call on me / I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me / Forever it's you / Forever in me / Ever the same / You may need me there / To carry all your weight / But you're no burden I assure / You tide me over / With a warmth I'll not forget / But I can only give you love. So you don't know where you're going, and you wanna talk / And you feel like you're going where you've been before / You'll tell anyone who'll listen but you feel ignored / Nothing's really making any sense at all / Let's talk. I can't get through / I've been trying hard to reach you, cause I don't know what to do.

So, my dearest blogger. I'm frustrated and confused and hurt. Many things. I'm frustrated because I don't understand him. I want to make everything okay for him, but I can't do that. I would if I could, and I want him to know that. I'd do anything to make him feel like things were going his way, but I can't. I truly can't. And it's sad. It's pathetic that once again, I have to give up my happiness because I can't stand to do that to them. I just realized that I guess I'm doing it for him. It will be easier for him if I just get up and walk away. But he won't let me. I tried. I'm trying. But he won't let me. Maybe I'm just making excuses for myself. That's entirely possible. But all of this adds to the confusion that's already there. I don't think confusion is the right word, though. Because I know what I feel, I know how they feel. It's simple. So confusion is definitely not the right word. But it still sucks. It hurts having to walk away. And it doesn't make matters any easier when he lies to her. It adds to the flame. And it gets even better when some of the people closest to me can't make me feel any better. My best friends. They can't even stick up for me. After all this time and everything that we've gone through (enter: yellow pillow), she doesn't get it. I know that honesty and truth are so important, but right now, I don't want to hear it. I'm like Catherine. I know. I get everything that you are saying to me, but I don't want to hear it. I want someone to tell me that it will work out in the end. I want someone to tell me that I'll come out on top. I want someone to make me feel like in the end, it's going to be worth. I want a false sense of security, at least for right now. With everything that is going on in my life right now, that's what I need. Yes, I am fully aware that it's all a lie, but if I feel better right now, it doesn't matter. But, no, she can't stick up for me. What's even worse is the people that have made me feel the best about all of this are people that I've pushed away over and over again. Emily, for example. And Meredith. Those two have put up with so much crap from me over the past few years.. but when I need it, without fail, they will be here for me. Yes, they'd give up a night with their boyfriend to spend time with me. Maybe I'm just bitter. That's also entirely possible. But how could it be that I'm not the only one that notices? Or are we all just bitter while everyone else remains perfect? I find that hard to believe. Oh, and every day for the past 11 days, he's been there. Talk about ridiculous. So yeah, maybe I'm addicted. Maybe a little. I've gotten used to the fact that this guy that completely threw me for a loop is still there for me. No matter what. I've never had that before.. well, not to this extent. Jordan's always like that, but he's so far away. I've got it right here, right now. And I never want it to go away. But that's a bad thing.. because it will. It happens. And when it does, I'm going to crash and burn. Why is it that I can tell you everything that's going to happen, and I can say that it's going to kill me, but I keep going anyway. That's my problem. I don't take my own advice. I'm on target with everyone else but myself because I ignore me. I need to hear it from other people for it to sink in. And even then, I won't listen. I'm stubborn. I want happiness. That false sense of happiness. But God's got something totally different planned for, I guess, but it's so hard to listen. It's really, really hard. I won't lie, I've been struggling. But this guy.. he knows that.. and it's amazing. I guess that's the only word. Amazing. How ironic. Mm, yep, I'm a mess.

Oh, and update. It's taken over her lungs. It's only a matter of time now..