nevermind the lies you told my tears..

well, kate and meg just left. kate came and picked me up around 12:45, then she made us lunch and we ate it at the lake (in the gazebo with the freaking loud lawn mower). then we ran to karns and got a huge tub of ice cream (texas size) and bananas and milk, then came back here and they made milkshakes and i made a banana split. yum. then we just sat around and looked at pictures and such for a while. kate agreed that the 1993 version of mr. schwartz looks like matt damon. i'm like, 'yes.' even slightly attractive.. 93's version of mr. brenner. :)

'will that be everything?'
'no, how 'bout a date?'

'4 A Good Time--'
'mike dell.'
'what?! you have mike dell in there?!'

oh, fun, fun. and we watched an episode of home improvement.. hilarious. so now, i'm sitting here doing absolutely nothing. anyone want to do something tonight?

i'm not afraid to lose it all.

got an e-mail from aunt michelle today. she's surviving over in china. she sent me pictures of her on the great wall and her and two friends rode the zip line down it.. how cool is that? i can't wait till she gets back.

Let me rise / Let me fall / Let me breathe / I wanna lose control / I’m not afraid to lose it all / Let me break / Let me crawl / 'Cause I will get back up again / If you let me fall

you bring me hope, i'll see you soon.

boo. next time that freakin' tbs decides to move dawson's creek to a different time, can they at least warn their die-hard fans?! why would they put it on at 8 o'clock in the morning without telling us?! gah. who cares about freakin' gilligan's island and who gets kicked off. hmph. ok, well, now that i got that all out, i've got a song by dave.

If these walls came crumblin' down
Fell so hard, to make us lose our faith
From what's left you'd figure it out
Still make lemonade taste like a sunny day

Stay, beautiful baby
I hope you
Stay, American baby
American baby

Nobody's laughing now
God's grace lost and the devil is proud
I've been walking for a thousand miles
One last time, I could see you smile

I hold on to you
You bring me hope, I'll see you soon
And if I don't see you
I'm afraid we've lost the way

Stay, beautiful baby
I hope you
Stay, American baby
American baby

I hold on to you
You lift me up and always will
I see you in life
Hope I don't get left behind

I hold on to you
You bring me hope, I'll see you soon
And if I don't see you
I'm afraid we've lost the way

Stay, beautiful baby
I hope you
Stay, American baby
I hope you
Stay, beautiful baby
I hope you
Stay, American baby
American baby
Nobody's laughing now
But you could always make me laugh out loud

friends are friends forever..

GARKEM--the hottest thing to ever cross our little ol' bubbletown. friendship straight from wally's. in the form of a gray sweatshirt. xxl. sweet.

i wanted to find somewhere to hide when i opened up and let those fears inside.

in better spirits now, thanks to my two lovelies (and rachel, the sinner.. oh, wait, that would be moi.. i said 'just kidding'). tonight will be a blast.. a picnic with emily and kristin. i'm in charge of the brownies, half the supply of sandwiches and drinks, and fruit salad. kristin's got rice and the other half of sandwiched and drinks. off to the lake we go for the first ever girls picnic. then we're walking back to kristin's to lay under the stars. ahh, emily, thank you so much. :) and kristin for helping me actually think of something to do.. not just saying i want to do something. so after emily's voice lesson and kristin's riding lesson, we'll be out and about. schwing.

kristin--when are we merging the families to make panekoekens for them all? just make sure your aunt is in the same time zone so we can call her.. our dutch isn't good enough to read the directions on the back of the box. :)

alright, well, i gotta go get my brownies out of the oven, so i'll ttyl, ciao.

there's nothing i can say, 'cause i'm never gonna change your mind

you said, 'i got something to say'

then you got that look in your eye

'there is something you've got to know'

you said it as you started to cry

i've been down the wrong road tonight
and i swear i'll never go there again
i've seen this face once before
and i don't think i can do this again

there's something i can't see

something living in the way you smile

behind those eyes you lie

and there's nothing i can say

'cause i'm never gonna change your mind

behind those eyes you hide

as you turned to walk away

i saw another look in your eye

and even though it hurt like it did

i couldn't let this be a goodbye

you say that your sorry
and you say that it hurts you the same
is there something here to believe
or is it just another part of the game?

there's something I cant see
something living in the way you smile
behind those eyes you lie
and there's nothing i can say
'cause i'm never gonna change your mind
behind those eyes you hide

leave it to you to criticise me. and another thing.. i'm tired of having to change who i am just so that other people don't get hurt. i've gotten myself into the same situation twice now.. the first time i was scared because there were still feelings floating freely between us. i was scared that a certain other would find out and condemn me to the hottest pits of hell. this time, there are no feelings, no fear. just us. both times, i've had to lie, i've had to run away, i've had to change just so no one else would get hurt. did it ever occur to anyone else that they aren't the only people that can get hurt? i may put up this front and everyone thinks that i'm strong and something lacking in importance such as this wouldn't get to me. that's where you're all wrong. this isn't some small thing. i need these people possibly more than i need my next breath. and because someone may get hurt, i'm asked to step down. i have. but i won't anymore. next time, i'll just defy the rules, ignore their existence. i'll go and be me. i won't care what happens to everyone else, because for once, i'll be me.. and maybe daring enough to say 'i'm happy.'

i want you to want me, i need you to need me..

dawson: how can you explain the things you love? you can't, you just do.

so didn't update yesterday. woke up at 9 and had to watch evan, then nan, kyle, and ben came up and me and nan watched dawson's creek. sarah told me that she thought some parts were 'inappropriate' and nan's like, 'sarah, shut up.' it was funny. so after that was over, i walked up to chris' and swam until 3, came home, watched some thing on vh1, then around 6, went back up to chris' to swim. then, i became a couch potato.

today.. watched dawson's creek (the only good part of my day). gah.

pacey: well maybe i just wanted these people to see you through my eyes just for one night. to see this girl, this woman, who has more class and intelligence and beaty and grace than anyone else who's walking the face of the planet. and maybe things like this just come tumbling out of my mouth because i happen to be head over heels in love with you, but the really scary thing is--i think that they're true.

--i wish i were at creation.--

it's like i can't breathe without you inside of me..

last night was fun.. haha "girls night. because boys suck." and maddie was.. interesting, haha. and watching pocahontas with the horrible song.. and his nose, yikes. then "can you please go back in there and tell me what happens in the first one? that's always the funniest." haha, lindsay and i will be bad mothers.

today, went to cefc for church (of course, when everyone is gone, my parents let me go).. then we came home, dad, tyler, and greg went to york, and me and sarah just sat and watched tv (she didn't understand dawson's creek. she's like 'wait. so who does she end up with? you know that can't work, right?' it was amusing).. when dad and tyler get back, we're going to walk up to ralph and chris' for ralph's birthday.. and of course--swimming :) then burgers on the grill, ya know, the all-american cook-out.

just one more thing i've got to get out. you don't know me anymore. you don't understand me because you don't want to. you don't try. and that's not okay. it still hurts, ya know? i still wish that you could talk to me. i wish that i could trust you. i remember, just like it was yesterday, when everything was okay between the two of us. for a while, i could tell you if there was something wrong and you would understand. you would care. then that little world just spiraled out of control and we haven't talked since then. oh, we've had the "hi, how are you? fine, thanks" kind of conversations.. and occaisonally you pretend like you care, but we both know that we're just being polite. and it really sucks. because i bought it for a while. then i realized that i can't keep expecting you to be there when i fall down because you never will be. i'm just sorry it took me this long to understand.

keep my life in your eyes.

Say goodnight, not goodbye

You will never leave my heart behind

Like the path of a star

I'll be anywhere you are

In the spark that lies beneath the coals

In the secret place inside your soul

Keep my life in your eyes

Say goodnight, not goodbye

Don't you fear when you dream

Waking up is never what it seems

Like a jewel buried deep

Like a promise meant to keep

You are everything you ought to be

So just let your heart reach out to me

I'll be right by your side

Say goodnight, not goodbye

You are everything you ought to be

So just let your heart reach out to me

Keep my life in your eyes

Say goodnight, not goodbye

Say goodnight, not goodbye

well, today was one heck of a day. i got up a little after 9 and watched dawson's creek.. cried when andie gave her speech, and i got a kick out of the second one. then i went outside and tanned for a while and around 1, me, my mom, and tyler went over to my aunt's house to swim.. that was nice, but the water was freezing. we left around 4 and i came home and showered and such, then met grace at panera for dinner. "i just lost my train of thought." mmm.. "next time i'm sitting in the seat so i can see the hott guys!" then we walked to wal-mart and we were daring--we got the tropical flavored sorbet instead of the normal raspberry. we walked to the movie theater and were in line to get tickets for the batman movie, but we changed our minds and saw 'bewitched' instead.. too bad, peterman was there and saw the batman one. we're like.. dang it. so the movie was hysterical. by far, the best part was when will farrel was talking in all these different tones and languages.. highly amusing. so when the movie was over, we waited outside for our parents. 40 minutes later, grace's parents still weren't there.. colin had left the computer on, so grace couldn't get through. so we took her home when her dad was coming to get her.. it was just a big circle. she gave me lindsay's season finale dvd of dawson's creek.. so i put it in when i got home. i have never cried so much before in one night. i freaking bawled like a baby. and the best quotes (then i think i may swear off the majority of quoting dawson. oh, and may i add that i really wish that i were joey and had a dawson or i were jen (but alive) and had a jack.. that would be nice)..

jack: what's there to be scared of?
jen: of what's real. it terrifies us. all of us. and you say that i've changed. and you're right. but, i mean, i went kicking and screaming. and if you think that anything of any value in this world comes at an easier price, you're wrong.

joey: dreams aren't perfect, dawson. they come true, not free.

dawson: i like that you ramble when you're nervous. i like that i know that you ramble when you're nervous. i like that i still make you nervous.

jen: 'cause i'm gonna die, jack. and like everything else in my life, i don't really know how to do that. but i'd like to not screw up. i'd like it to be something that i get right for once.

pacey: you reminded me of what i'm capable of feeling. it's like i was walking around seeing my life through a smudged window, and then i saw you and the smudges were gone.

joey: love is so short, forgetting is so long.

jen: hi, amy, it's mom. well, by the time you see this, i won't be here anymore, and i know how much that sucks, for both of us. so seeing as how i won't be around to thoroughly annoy you, i thought i would give you a little list of the things that i wish for you. well, there's the obvious. an education. family. friends. and a life that is full of the unexpected. be sure to make mistakes. make a lot of them, because there's no better way to learn and to grow, all right? and, um, i want you to spend a lot of time at the ocean because the ocean forces you to dream, and i insist that you, my girl, be a dreamer. God. i've never really believed in God. in fact, i've spent a lot of time and energy trying to disprove that God exists. but i hope that you are able to believe in God, because the thing that i've come to realize, sweetheart.. is that is just doesn't matter if God exists or not. the important thing is for you to believe in something becacuse i promise you that that belief will keep you warm at night, and i want you to feel safe always. and then there's love. i want you to love to the tips of your fingers, and when you find that love, wherver you find it, whoever you choose, don't run away from it. but you don't have to chase after it either. you just be patient, and it'll come to you, i promise. and when you least expect it, like you, like spending the best year of my life with the sweetest and the smartest and the most beautiful baby girl in the world. you don't be afraid, sweetheart. and remember, to love is to live.

joey: stay away from the life and the death of it all
dawson: it's interesting how people use that expression--life and death. as if to imply that life is the opposite of death, but birth is the opposite of death. life has no opposite.

dawson: it doesn't matter who ends up with who. because in some unearthly way.. it's always gonna be you and me.
joey: soul mates
dawson: what we have goes beyond friendship, beyond lovers. it's forever.
joey: yes, it is. i love you, dawson.
dawson: i love you, too, joey.

joey: you and me, always.
dawson: forever.

one year, six months.

Sew this up with threads of reason and regret
So I will not forget. I will not forget
How this felt one year six months ago
I know I cannot forget. I cannot forget

I'm falling into memories of you,
and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that I can share with you

I can tell that you don't know me anymore
It's easy to forget, sometimes we just forget
And being on this road is anything but sure
Maybe we'll forget, I hope we don't forget

I'm falling into memories of you,
and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that I can share with you

So many nights, legs tangled tight
Wrap me up in a dream with you
Close up these eyes, try not to cry
All that I've got to pull me through is memories of you
Memories of you
Memories of you
Memories of you

I'm falling into memories of you,
and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that we can share
Falling into memories of you,
and things we used to do

first of all..
MATT McDERMOTT ROCKS MY WORLD!

second.. today was pretty dull. i worked at the bead shop from 9 till 2 (i made a freaking awesome necklace that i love), then i went to nan's to watch kyle. he woke up at 3 so i just took him outside for an hour and a half. not shabby. then i walked home and my mom came and got me and we went to UB's for tomatoe plants and i jumped in the creek and helped him pick blueberries off his bush. then we went to friendly's for dinner (hah, LINDSAY! jim dandies!) then we went and picked up aunt bonnie and went to rita's (yum.. cherry gelati. mmm) then we came back here and planted the tomato plants and played princess uno and taboo (which, i owned in both, thank you very much). we took her home around 9:30 and on the way home, there were three girls sitting in the middle of the road.. with their cracks hanging out and all, and my mom took the liberty of screaming, "I'M SOBER. CRACK KILLS. COVER THAT UP!" i was like, 'mom.. i'm sober?!' she's like, 'yes. i'm sober. if i were drunk i probably would have lost control of the car and killed them all.' i'm just like, allllright. ok, well tomorrow--dawsons, pool, movies sometime, maybe volleyball?

g'night, all.

RainStixGirl: SeiZeR!

i don't know why i gave you my heart / and sometimes it feels so wrong / but in spite of all this weather / i know why we are together / and i swear, right now / i'm right where i belong

i'm sorry that you hate me so much, i really, truly am. a year and a half ago, i was a jerk, but i've apologized to both of you and let it go. so should you. it really is sad that you're so self-concious about your relationship that you have to get upset with me.

i can't believe it..

one more kiss could be the best thing. one more lie could be the worst.

i spent the night at the lee's last night.. haha brownie sundaes in the form of a face. yum. :) watching 'friday night lights' in spanish. whoops, my bad. making the bed over top of me (i must say that aaron and kate looked stunning together at prom.. great pictures) and aaron dumping water on my head.. and screaming. sleeping with the stuffed animal forms of aaron and austin, haha. then today, i woke up at 5 when mandy's dad left. then aaron woke me up a little before 8 when he left. then i just laid there for 2 hours till dawson's creek came on. i watched that with mandy, then aaron called: "be ready to go when i get there, i'm not waiting for you." yeah, he was grouchy. he took us to the pool with bailey.. and me and mandy hung out there for a few hours. 1. there was no one there. 2. the water was freezing. 3. it started to pour around 3. so we hung out with tim conklin and he taught us to play hearts.. yeah, that was interesting. we were so incredibly confused. then we went back to her house and aaron was asleep when we got there. aww, he's such a cute sleeper. then i jumped on him and took his picture and just drove him crazy until he woke up and watched a little of 'sixteen candles' with us. then he left for work a little before 4. so we kept watching the movie, then my dad came and picked me up, and now i'm here doing absolutely nothing.

grace--i have to talk to you a.s.a.p. so we need to do something on friday.

lindsay--guess who was at the pool!

are we doing anything this weekend? i say we should go to the park and play volleyball. :)

there's something i can see / there's something different in the way you smile / behind those eyes you lie / and there's nothing i can say / 'cause i'm never gonna change your mind / behind those eyes you hide

hope this feeling lasts for the rest of my life..

well, last night was interesting. ralph and chris came over for father's day, and nan and jerry were talking with this house insurance guy or whatever, and when ralph walked in he freaked out and said that the guy was a munipulating liar and he made nan cry. he was screaming, she was screaming and bawling, and the insurance guy sat there for 3 hours (from 7 till 10.. he pretty much had the house sold, then ralph showed up). needless to say, at 10:15 ralph made the guy leave, nan locked herself in our bathroom, and her and ralph were yelling at each other through the doors. yes, our house was host to one heck of a scream-fest last night.

so this morning, my dad overslept, so i didn't have to go running with him. :) schweet. i woke up at 10:05 and realized that i was going to miss dawson's creek, so i ran downstairs and watched it. ahhh.. <3 color="#ff6666">dawson: you don't choose what you love. it chooses you.

dawson: i'm the only person the answer could potentially kill.

dawson: truth is, jo, it's going to take a hell of a lot more than a symbol to get back to where we were. and right now, i'm not even sure i want to.

joey: for what it's worth, the answer wouldn't have killed you.

joey: it has made my mind wander, but my heart, that's a fixed point.

dawson: and the thought of disappointing her is crippling.

dawson: feelings can change, passion will fade, partners will come and go, but through it all, one thing remains sacred: friendship.

jen: i didn't need you to be the one to give the bad news. i need you to be my shoulder.
jack: come here.

joey: don't you see? we're creating our own history here.

joey: it's going to be the details that define us.

you said that it's all been said before.

beautiful disaster
he drowns in his dreams - an exquisite extreme, I know - he’s as damned as he seems - more heaven than a heart could hold - and if I tried to save him - my whole world would cave in - just ain’t right - oh, and I don’t know - I don’t know what he’s after - but he’s so beautiful - he’s such a beautiful disaster - if I could hold on - through all the tears and the laughter - would it be beautiful - or just a beautiful disaster - he’s magic and myth - as strong as what I believe - a tragedy with - more damage than a soul should see - and do I try to change him - so hard not to blame him - hold me tight - hold me tight - I’m longing for love and the logical - but he’s only happy hysterical - I’m searching for some kind of miracle - I’ve waited so long - he’s soft to the touch - but frayed at the ends he breaks - he’s never enough - and still he’s more than I can take

i hate myself for losing you
I woke up today / woke up wide awake / in an empty bed / staring at an empty room / I have myself to blame / for the state I’m in today / and now dying doesn’t seem so cruel / and oh, I don’t know what to say / and I don’t know anyway, anymore / I hate myself for losing you / I’m seeing it all so clear / I hate myself for losing you / what do you do when you look in the mirror / and staring at you is why he’s not here / you got what you deserved / hope you’re happy now / cause every time I think of both of you / it’s killing me inside / and now I dread each day / knowing that I can’t be saved / from the loneliness of living without you / and oh, I don’t know what to do / I’m not sure that I’ll pull through / I wish you knew / I hate myself for losing you / and oh, I don’t know what to do / not sure that I’ll pull through / I wish you knew, I wish you knew / and oh, I don’t know what to say / and I don’t know anyway, anymore / what do you say when everything you said / is the reason why he left in the end / how do you cry when every tear you shed / won’t ever bring him back again

l.a.'s gettin' kinda crazy. new york's gettin' kinda cold.

*sigh* haha how does dawson's creek relate to my life? well, let's see. i've been where dawson was today. i know what it's like to love someone, but they love someone else. it's hard to tell them to go, even though you really do want them to be happy. so today's 2 hours really hit home. and made me think back into the past. those were the best and worst moments of my life.

:: disclaimer--words may not be 100% correct. the desired general jist is similar. ::

dawson: at this point, i'm numb.

jack: ... all i can see is the pain and the lonliness that makes our lives the same.

pacey: it's simple. elegant. beautiful.
^ i can't help but feel like he's describing her, not the bracelet.

pacey: i remember everything.

dawson: i feel like i've finally come to the end and what i found was you.

andy: letting go isn't a one time thing. it's something you have to do over and over again, everyday.

dawson: i used to be able to look into your eyes and know exactly what you were thinking. these days, i haven't got a clue.

jen: ... where hearts are repeatedly broken.
dawson: why does it hurt so much?
andy: pain makes us real.

dawson: you want him like i want you, you love him like i love you.

pacey: they need you.
joey: not as much as i need you.

and two of the best:

that's what love really means. you forgive.

love does not conquer all. love ends. and begins again.

i woke up this morning in london..

cold stone tonight. mmmm..

it's been one year.. i didn't really know allyson, just through jordan. but she's still in my prayers.
6/19/04

the rest of my thought process for this evening.. never again will i open up to you. i did it once to prove a point, and you totally ignored it. i opened up my heart to you and you said nothing at all. you didn't even flinch, didn't back down. and i realized that you didn't care, you don't care, you never will care.. about anything that doesn't involve you. god forbid you have to feel pity for someone. no, i take that back, i don't want your pity. i just wanted you to understand. but i've gotten myself into this situation far too many times, you think by now i'd have learned. i just expect too much, that's all. if you don't expect anything, you can't be let down. but i don't ever want to do that. i don't ever want to not have expectations.. i not only want to have them, but i don't want it to be such a struggle for them to be met. haha maybe i'm just crazy. or maybe i'm just that.. repulsive.. that you can't even have a shred of interest. ok, i'm sorry i'm not her. i really am. i'm sorry that it's taken me this long to realize that you'll never change. no, i think i may have known that from the beginning. i don't know everything that i'm feeling inside. i don't. i'm not going to try to. something inside hurts. it just aches. there's like this constant dull pain and i thought that maybe if i told you something that i've never told anyone else, you would comfort me, console me. nope, you didn't. and you let me down. my expectations were too high. and.. i would really like it if someday we were back to being great friends. but maybe that expectation is too high, too.

i'm right where i belong.

here's to summer.. and the rest of our lives. try to read the whole thing.

Sunscreen.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

i'm addicted to you.

so yesterday around 4 grace came over and we just hung out till everyone else showed up for ultimate at 6:30. "ab, i think that guy's stalking you." haha, nah, just jordan. last night rocked. we played some kick butt games of ultimate. haha, we need to do that more often. this is what i'm thinking for next weekend--volleyball at the park. the township listened to old mike dell and fixed the net and the pit. :-D schwing! so yeah, lauren, meredith, bri, grace, courtney, david, jordan, tim, nick, castles and austin all came over.. that was tons of fun. ahh, yay. so when everyone left, me and grace went inside and watched the phantom of the opera while eating sorbet. when that was over it was midnight, and we put in the notebook (note to self: NOT for tyler) and ate popcorn. after that was over, we watched ocean's twelve--and totally didn't understand it--and ate s'mores. then we watched win a date with matt mcdermott (haha) and ate MORE sorbet. oh, and we sat on the back porch to see the sun rise, but we were too early.. then we watched the movie (ok, i fell asleep) and we missed it. haha i probably didn't fall asleep till 5:30.. and we broke grace's record! yeah, so it was definitely a night of hott guys. the phantom, the guys in the notebook, matt damon (we came to the conclusion that he looks incredibly similar to mr. schwartz--it's actually kind of creepy), brad pitt, tad hamilton, and topher grace ("hi, my name is grace grace").. so that was a great time. haha, we definitely need to do that more often, frace. haha and i learned that i can't make popcorn without burning it. i left the door open--"someone could have come in and killed us!" ahh, a good night. now today, i get to watch evan till sarah gets home from work because my dad is going to pick up duce staley at the airport. yeah, wow. so, uhh, talk to y'all later. <3

ps.. got my report card: 95% on my geometry final, 98% on my french final, and a 95% on my english final. overall: 99% in geometry, 97% in french, 97% in english, and 98% in photo. schwing. distinguished, once again.

hollaback girl.. (elliot's favorite song, haha)

got up this morning, cleaned the bathrooms, vacuumed the living room, cleaned the kitchen and dining room, and totally organized evan's play room, also known as our family room. i did several loads of laundry and did the dishes, too. this was all done, of course, during the commercials of dawson's creek. :) elliot came at 12:30, i got my kelly clarkson cd (haha grace.. finally) and then we went to wal-mart, i got some chex mix and a camera, and we ran into kelsey. she thought it was really amusing that elliot was being my chauffeur for the day. she just got back from vegas at 10 this morning.. she showed us some pictures. so amazing. i want to go there some day. well, here are the expected 'dawson's creek' quotes from this morning..

JOEY: ever have one of those days you wish you could live all over again?

JEN: you have to walk through that front door and tell your best friend that the only girl he can't live without--
PACEY: is the same girl i can't live without.

JEN: pacey's heart can break just as easily as the next guy. maybe even more so because his heart was already broken when he got there.

DAWSON: don't.. just don't look at her!

DAWSON: i can't let her go.
JEN: what else can you do?
DAWSON: i can fight. i can fight for what i want.

DAWSON: i can't lose you. not now, not ever.

DAWSON: what do you need? i am willing to do anything for you.

WILL: never give up on true love. it always wins in the end.

MRS. LEERY: you're more important. you always were. you always will be.

good show this morning.. *sigh* i love it. now i have to go continue cleaning, then hop in the shower before grace gets here. see y'all tonight.

Blondie3535: it will probably be around noonish.. because dawson's creek is over then, lol
Elster5306: ew
Elster5306: i just died a little inside

so i went to jubilee day in mechanicsburg and guess who i saw?! STEVE!!!! wow, i haven't seen him in such a long time. i forgot how much fun we had together as little kids. he lived behind me. everyday, we'd walk to the bus together and eat our poptarts in seat 13 (or so he said.. i really don't remember the seat number). at 3:00, we came home, went to one of our houses and did our homework (haha yeah right) and played LIFE.. then we'd play baseball or something in our yard. he's a great kid. wow, i shouldn't even say kid anymore. he towers over me. 6'5"--he's huge. he was with his mom, becky. she's still so pretty. hmm.. i remember the day he was so sick, he didn't want anyone to come over but me. :) haha i felt so special. and i remember when we were playing baseball, and he swung the bat and hit tony in the head and she had to get stitches.. he felt horrible. i remember one day we came home from school and no one was at his house, so he came and knocked on my back door. i went outside and our parents were chasing a snake around our yard. that scared the crap our me, so we went and hid in my parent's closet until uncle dave took it up to the mountain. and i remember when he told me he was moving. that was the worst thing that could happen to an 8-year-old.. to find out her best friend was moving. i saw him once a few years ago at the mall. then i saw him tonight. aww, i miss that kid. as little kids, that was as close to the whole 'joey/dawson' relationship that i got.. and those were the best days of my life. haha so we're gonna hang out sometime this summer.

well, g'night. see y'all tomorrow.

elliot--be ready nice and early in the morning. wal-mart, coconuts, panera, and blockbuster. :) and we gotta be back by 3. thanks, again.. my favorite chauffeur, haha.

a toast to the future. cheers.

the dreams of innocent teenages. grace will marry jack, and i will marry edwin. here's to the future..

GMurtoff: then we'll marry them and be...well, not related but kinda haha
Blondie3535: we'll be related through the hott-ness of their down-right gorgeous bodies
GMurtoff: EXACTLY!
GMurtoff: sweeeeet
Blondie3535: haha
Blondie3535: oh man. and we'll live in neighboring mansions. with king of prussia in our COMBINED BASEMENTS
Blondie3535: and our own sorbet cellar
GMurtoff: yes! but the sorbet will be free of fat, carbs, calories, and sugar so we won't gain any weight but it'll still taste just as good...and if we do gain any weight we'll get our personal trainers to help us burn it off
GMurtoff: YESSS! omg i love to dream! lol
Blondie3535: haha i wouldn't be alive without it
Blondie3535: and the men will take our children out to the park while we enjoy a day at the spa
Blondie3535: our butlers, theodore and giorgio, will serve us sorbet every night while we take our evening swim in our olympic size, indoor, heated swimming pool
Blondie3535: once a month, tom cruise will dine with us in YOUR fine kitchen.. home of legendary chef, (insert famous french chef here)
GMurtoff: YES!!!!
GMurtoff: jacques de varsqua???
GMurtoff: haha
GMurtoff: i don't kno french
Blondie3535: ahhh.. OUI!
Blondie3535: lol
GMurtoff: dude, giorgio is so my butler lol
Blondie3535: haha theodore is a sexy brit. giorgio is a sexy italian. either way, we win.
GMurtoff: NO! I WANT THE SEXY BRIT!
GMurtoff: no fair we're switching lol
Blondie3535: no! you said you wanted giorgio!
Blondie3535: lol
GMurtoff: and i'm going to have a secret affair with theodore
Blondie3535: we'll switch monthly
GMurtoff: fine!
GMurtoff: ill still have an affair with theo!!!
Blondie3535: dude, you've got jack to satisfy your needs, and if i may say so, he is FREAKING GORGEOUS, and can satisfy quite nicely.
Blondie3535: but, i'll have an affair too
GMurtoff: ok :)
GMurtoff: but im a sex machine and jack's an MLB player and he's gone all the time SO WHAT AM I TO DO?!? LOL
Blondie3535: same thing i do when edwin is gone all the time with the NFL!
Blondie3535: "ohh, buuuuuuuuuuuuutlers.."
GMurtoff: HAHA

if you fall, i will catch you, i'll be waiting..

good morning. :-D just to let y'all know, i'm having people over to play ultimate from 6:30 to 9.. so call if you're in. 226-5811.

DAWSON: i might not be sure of many things in my life, but i'll always be sure of you.

PACEY: you're the guy that builds this fantastic world. you just let the rest of us live in it.

ANDY: what do you wanna be when you grow up?
WILL: i don't know. happy, i guess.

WILL: isn't it better to have a short time with someone you love than a lifetime with someone who's practically a room-mate? just a thought.

PACEY: my butt wants nothing to do with your butt.

DAWSON: this trip, this weekend, it reminded me of what we're good at.
JOEY: what's that?
DAWSON: making sense of each other's lives.

JOEY: people evolve and some things fade away.

DAWSON: growing up doesn't mean we have to grow apart.

JOEY: do you have any regrets?

AUNT GWEN: you can't be reckless with someone else's feelings.

JOEY: and i felt it
PACEY: what did you feel?
JOEY: i felt alive.

and i turn my back on loving you..

good morning, all..

I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light
I can't remember how
I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight

And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No, I can't stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody's screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No, I can't

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

it's tearing me apart that you're leaving.

If you wanna leave
I won’t beg you to stay
And if you gotta go darling
Maybe it’s better that way
I’m gonna be strong
I’m gonna do fine
Don’t worry about this heart of mine
Just walk out that door
Yea see if I care
Go on and go now but
Don’t turn around
Cause you’re gonna see my heart breaking
Don’t turn around
I don’t want you seeing me cry
Just walk away
It’s tearing me apart
That you’re leaving
I’m letting you go
But I won’t let you know
I won’t miss your arms around me
Holding me tight
If you ever think about me
Just know that I’ll be alright
I’m gonna be strong
I’m gonna do fine
Don’t worry about this heart of mine
I know I’ll survive
Sure I’ll make it through
And I’ll even learn to live without you
Don’t turn around
Cause you’re gonna see my heart breaking
Don’t turn around
I don’t want you seeing me cry
Just walk away
It’s tearing me apart
That you’re leaving
I’m letting you go
But I won’t let you know
I wish I could scream out loud
That I love you
I wish I could say to you
Don’t go
As he walks away he feels the pain getting strong
People in your life they don’t know what’s going on
Too proud to turn around he’s gone
Don’t turn around
Cause you’re gonna see my heart breaking
Don’t turn around
I don’t want you seeing me cry
Just walk away
It’s tearing me apart
That you’re leaving
I’m letting you go
But I won’t let you know

don't turn around.. you're gonna see my heart breaking..

today was a looooooooong day. i watched too much tv. at 2, i went down to nan's to watch kyle, and he was taking a nap, so i sat there for 2 hours watching vh1 while he slept. 2 hours of watching tv = $15. no complaints from me. after that, i came home, watched some more tv, then went out to dinner at applebee's and guess who our waitress was. none other than shaniqua. i was like, RACHEL!!!!!!! it was REALLY funny! then i came home, finished my book (my gal, sunday) and played with evan outside for a while. now i'm here, talking to everybody.

gracieeeeeeee--what do you get when you cross me + you + the phantom of the opera + sorbet + popcorn? one heck of a night. :) haha we'll have too much fun. and congrats on your hit at softball.. beast. *MWOA* and we will remember spoons.. for the first time, haha.

i ride in on a train. everyday is the some old thing.

last night rocked. haha, i was a little late and bri couldn't get the vcr to work, so we had to watch it upstairs. great movie--hitch.

"i figure if my heart stops beating, it won't hurt as bad."

haha then grace showed up after her softball game. we talked for a while.

"i'm so neffin' mad!"

"jake is so hott." -- lol great minds think alike

"hey, they forget their spoons too!"
"yeah, we were making fun of you."

after the movie was over, we all went for a walk. "hey, maybe we should wait for them." "who? the guys or the crickets?" yeah, wow. we walked by my grandparents house.. which means we walked by rutz's house.. "it's like a real-life romeo and juliet." good times.

then this morning, i got up and watched dawson's creek. <3

PACEY: i guess it just hurts, that's all.
JEN: that just means it's not pretend anymore.

PACEY: all you have here is an eyes-closed wish.
JOEY: sometimes wishes come true.

JOEY: there are worse things than a broken heart.. like a love that you don't discover.

PACEY: she's so beautiful that when you look at her your knees tremble, your heart melts, and you know, without reservation, that there is order and meaning to the universe.

promises, promises.

today was a good day. i woke up at 7, showered, and was over at mere's around 8:30. she made pancakes.. or, uhh, tried to make them. haha, she'll be one heck of a cook. we watched about an hour of breakfast at tiffany's, then we watched dawson's creek. <3 color="#ff6666">TOM CRUISE!" haha, so we sat and watched this thing on tom cruise. my, is he lovely. haha at noon, we started walking to anile's.. oh, that was fun. i was so incredibly hot it wasn't even funny. and by the time we got there, everyone was done eating, and the lady didn't come back for me to order. wench. so me, grace, rachel, and brianne walked to the cafe and got milkshakes and smoothies, then we ran to the bubble to meet up with mere, lauren, sean, jon, and andrew. so then we walked back to lauren's house and went swimming! yay! haha that was a blast. i had to borrow a bathing suit from rachel though. i am proud of my big butt, haha, but i hate all my little butt friends. yeah, that was interesting. and the bathing suit was only slightly see-through.. so needless to say, i made sure i was under water the whole time. we played quite a bit of marco polo and i whooped jon's behind. that's right, girls can win.. then he dunked me. loser. kristin gave me and grace swimming lessons, then i killed grace's eye. we all got out around 3 to eat munchies and sean and i danced to some song that was playing. that was cute, haha. then i came home, changed, went with my mom to bon-ton (where i got a really cute shirt and saw alisha), then to b&bw (where i got a butt-load of yummy smelling items and really fun shirt).

now, i'm off to brianne's for movie night. woohoo.

Hot summer streets and the pavements are burning
I sit around
Trying to smile, but the air is so heavy and dry
Strange voices are saying
Things I can't understand
It's too close to comfort, this heat has got
Right out of hand

It's a cruel, cruel summer
Leaving me here on my own
It's a cruel, cruel summer
Now you're gone
You're not the only one
It's a cruel

The city is crowded, my friends are away and I'm on my own
It's too hot to handle, so I gotta get up and go, and go

It's a cruel, cruel summer
Leaving me here on my own
It's a cruel, cruel summer
Now you're gone
You're not the only one
It's a cruel

Now don't you leave me
Now don't you leave me
Well don't you leave me
Come on, come on

It's a cruel, cruel summer
Leaving me here on my own
It's a cruel, cruel summer
Now you're gone
You're not the only one
It's a cruel

It's a cruel summer.

meredith's bright and early in the morning. :-D here's to falling in love with the seniors.

this is how a heart breaks. <3

we got more bounce in california..

no, the blues are you're getting fat or maybe it's been raining too much. you're just sad, that's all. but the mean reds are horrible. you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of.

promise me one thing. don't take me home until i'm drunk. until i'm very drunk, indeed.

i'll forgive you under one condition. dance with me.

I ride in on the train
Everyday is the same old thing
It's 9 to 5
Don't know if I'm dead already

I'm lookin for a hallelujah
I need a little something special

My walls are grey
Makes me feel like I live in a cave
I'm wearing fear
And when tomorrow comes i'll do it all again

I'm looking for a hallelujah
I need a little something special
I'm looking for a hallelujah

I dream of my escape
Free as a bird I'll fly away

I'm looking for a hallelujah
I need a little something special

got up around 9 this morning and ran around with sarah. around 10:30, we went swimming and i got one heck of a tan (yes!) and then we came back here for evan to take his nap. i've been reading the visitation, like the good little bookworm that i am, and just hanging out doing nothing. oh, and i ordered the concert tickets. pretty good seats, too. it'll be fun.

erin--okay, here are the facts. 1) you keep complaining to everyone about me not liking you and dan together. 2) i have learned so much about him in the past month that i know you don't know. 3) you've lowered your standards to date him. or maybe you just didn't have any to begin with. 4) chances are, i won't tell you what's going on. why would you listen? you haven't been doing it for the past month. and i promised him i wouldn't. but god, erin, you're so thick-headed and stubborn. i wish i could make a movie of these past few weeks because it's not just me (which is what you're telling your youth group). i know you both. did it ever occur to you that i may be right? no, of course not, because you're too caught up ignorning everyone else and focusing on dan. 'hi, i'm abby, i used to be one of your really good friends.' don't you see that things have changed? and it's not me that's changed, erin. it's you.

for hating you, i blame myself..

gah, so much stuff running through my head right now. it's been a long day. i woke up at 10 this morning and got right in the pool.. that's pretty much where i stayed until 4. i came home, had chinese for dinner, then we went to bruster's.

some people just irk me. one person in particular--things have been kind of rough between us lately, and to make it better, she goes and talks to everyone about it but me. so i'm thinking she's doing it to make herself feel better because they are all telling her i'm jealous. hah, that's a joke. but it's not making me want to forgive her any sooner. and oh, i love having all the information. at any point in time, i could ruin what she's been going for. she knows nothing about him, but that's okay, she 'really, really likes him.' if she only knew.. "please don't say anything to her. i don't want to make her feel dumb."

another person is playing football with my heart. i know that i swore i'd let go, it's just a lot harder than i thought it would be.

i know now that there are certain things you have to let go of. but that doesn't mean they ever have to leave me.

grace--next sorbet night is...? bring pillows and steak knives. they may be necessary. "i'm her friend, not her stalker." haha that was great.

i'm begging you to be my escape..

wow. just got really awesome news. totally didn't believe it at first.. but i'm going to be on my best behavior until next saturday, then hopefully i can go along.

how often does this happen? this is amazing. i just have to learn a thing or two about football and try to talk someone into staying at the house with evan, then i'm good. please, please let me go.

i'll tell y'all about it once i get the real details. eeeeshk!

"congrats grad" <-- the dorkiest necklace ever

tonight was freaking amazing. i had such a blast. i got to the park at 4:15--pat wasn't even there yet. i'm like, the boy is late to his own party, nice. but vriens was there, and joe, and matt. joe stripped down to his underwear, i was like, what?!? but he was just changing his pants. very funny. rehm showed up a little later and we talked while they were playing volleyball, then he played, and kristin and pat showed up so i hung out with her. then she had to leave to run back to her house to get the tv and movie, so i went into the creek with alisha and amy. "i hope there aren't leeches in here. i really hate leeches. they suck your blood. like vampires." -- amy.. gotta love her. "uhh, amy? your boyfriend just left.. with your cousin." that was amusing. then kristin came back and i watched the movie with jeremy and andrew.. we cried. i was good until aj started talking.. he was so sweet. and vriens lost it and just looked at me, and it was so hard to keep it in, then i looked up at kristin, and she was crying, too. wow, we were all a mess. vriens, mostly. so the night continued.. more volleyball. those guys are amazing, haha.

pat--congratulations, you did it. have fun at gettysburg, don't get too crazy ;) and remember us all back here at home. and you better believe i'm coming to visit you, no matter how "superficial" i am (jerk). i'll miss you!
tim--you did it. and i know the reason you pushed through it all. he's so proud of you, and we all are too. go rock that college, we'll never forget you.
vriens--congratulations to you too. you are an amazing person, noticeable in just one night. watch out lehigh, here he comes.
lieto--keep it up, you're an amazing person.
rutz--next time, slow down the car a little.. getting pulled over at 2:30 in the morning isn't fun, haha. gah, you embarrass me over and over again, but you know i'll miss you. you better come to all the track meets, you promised.
aj--you are the sweetest kid. you're either giving up medals or telling stories of your memories of pat. you're a different person inside, no matter what everyone sees. you've proved that to us again and again. go rock duquesne, and continue doing what you do. i'll miss you.

and now for the funny moments of the night--
rehm--"future powderpuff all-star, right here!" "aww, gimme a hug!"
mike dell--"there's a reason they don't pass it to him, and you're absolutely right. elliot sucks."
lynn--"what are you doing?"
vriens--"roach babe! gah, phreeky's rubbing off on me!"
pat--"wow, you're not superficial."
alisha--"what's superficial?"
tyler--"austin rutz, rrrrrrrrrr!"
tim ganoe--"where's corby? i left my party to come to his party to find him, and he's gone to my party to find me. oh, and, uhh, you're eyes are pretty."
elliot--"rutz isn't here? oh man, i'm almost as disappointed as you are."
shuleski--"alright, i'm done, i suck. hey, can you hand me my sandwich? it's on the side of the trashcan."
aj--"hey, woman."
russ--"alright, knock it off with the black jokes."
kristin--"ok, so i'm not going crazy."
jeremy--"roach babe." "abby beam."
elliot--"lynLYLE!"
amy--"hey, there's something pink floating down the creek."
alisha--"yeah, definitely walked through the poison ivy." "OUCH! ROCK ON THE HEAD!"
lyle--"uhh, heads up? yeah, a little late."

ahh, great night. <3>

oh, didn't i, didn't i, didn't i see you cryin'?

3 and a half hours, haha. :) can't wait. PEACHES!

i love dawson's creek.

hey jealousy..

Tell me do you think it’d be all right
If I could just crash here tonight
You can see I’m in no shape for driving
And anyway I’ve got no place to go
And you know it might not be that bad
You were the best I’d ever had
If I hadn’t blown the whole thing years ago
I might not be alone
Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found
To take it’s place.. hey jealousy
And you can trust me not to think
And not to sleep around
If you don’t expect too much from me
You might not be let down
Cause all I really want is to be with you
Feeling like I matter too
If I hadn’t blown the whole thing years ago
I might be here with you
Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found
To take it’s place.. hey jealousy
She took my heart
There’s only one thing I couldn’t start

moocher <3

Blondie3535: here's to summer.. and you and me.. and jc and moocher
Blondie3535: cheers.

to anna: hey anna, race to the finish line. :-D

from anna: Abby- Let's race....you're on

AnaSpz: i will talk to you later mrs. moocher
Blondie3535: see ya later, mrs. jc

i can't get enough, can't stop this hunger for your love..

i really cannot wait until tomorrow night. 4 till dusk tomorrow night with phreeky, speeze, and kristin.. saying good-bye to all the seniors, seeing them for the last time. i can't wait. days with the seniors are always a good time. ya know.. austin rutz and all. ;) and PEACHES and aj and vriens and then maybe giz's party with bixler.

sweet summer. <3>ROAD TRIP! weekend of the 4th.

"where?"
"wherever you want."
"i'm in."
"we will call it running away."
"perfect."
"we will drive and at every turn we will flip a coin."
"that sounds like the best thing in the world.. heads is left, tails is right."

what a sweet addiction that i'm caught up in..

summer is finally here, so why do i still feel horrible? the year ended with meredith upset with me, erin and i still aren't on the best of terms. i just feel so disappointed in myself. why do i have to be like i am? can't i just accept everything the way that it's presented to me? why do i have to have a problem with it? i hate what i did to our friendship. but part of me is so stubborn--it refuses to be okay with this.

last night was needed. i was just so angry and hurt and excited about 20,000 different things. that was the best movie i've seen in a while. "we laughed, we cried, it moved us." and grace was so right when she said, "everything that could make my cry was packed into one movie." but i would not have seen that movie with anyone else. it's a total friend movie. lena is in greece, tibby and carmen are in bethesda, and bridget is in baja, california. when lena gets a letter from bridget, lena knows that bridget needs her, so they pack up, and go to her. it didn't matter where they were, what they were in the middle of, it didn't matter. they know she needed them. so grace and i sat there sniffling and laughing at the old ladies behind us, and admiring the guys body (at least the first half of the movie. then he got ugly.).. and it was just awesome. good sorbet, too.

so then i went to sarah's parents house and got in the pool, totally uncaring of the time. there's something about the water that i love. being in the pool, the ocean, the rain, i don't know, it just gets me. so i was swimming all by myself and i stayed under water until my lungs felt like they would burst. i came up for air, then went back down, just swimming back and forth across the pool. and this scares me: i wondered if anyone would care if i just stayed down there. that really, really scared me.

now today.. i end up being let down in the end. and i wonder why, and then i think i've got it all figured out, but that realization hurts me more than anyone could ever know. i was really looking forward to this afternoon. it's not okay. i won't be fine. and i wish you could see that. i wish that you would be here for me like you said you would be. i wish that i could believe you, but time and time again, there you are, disappointing me again. i guess that's the way i feel in general. disappointed. i'm disappointed in you. you said you would try to be there. have you really been trying? "there's a lot of stuff going on today, and i just don't know what i'm going to do." "oh, okay." "sorry." "no, it's fine. don't worry about it." so you can let me down, but i can lie to make you think it's alright. why do i care so much? it was just a stupid coffee. i guess i wish we were still great friends. now i just feel like it's one-sided. so it's not going to be one-sided anymore. i'm just gonna let go. because i'm tired of putting energy into this when all i get is "sorry." so, here's to you, and me, and letting go. goodbye.

YES! MOVIE NIGHT WITH GRACE!

sweet, super sexy sorbet night!

freaking awesome.

all she wanted was somebody who cared..

today was a surprisingly alright day. got up at 7.. went out for breakfast at the cafe with my dad, then i headed to school for my engish final. that was a breeze, but i had to eenie-meenie-miney-moe a few of the short story ones. other than that, i did alright. then me, rachel, and nick walked over to rachel's house for a little while. haha, nick is my hero. bridget! and he can so play the piano, lol. peaches! fun, fun. then the three of us walked to castles and i watched dawson's creek with mere, emily, lindsay, and rachel.. and occaisionally nick. such a good episode today, haha. meredith was so creeped out. at noon, we all walked down to anile's and saw ali, tori, lauren, and autumn. then we were joined by brianne. that was fun. "go screw your boyfriend, that'll make you feel better." haha lindsay! good one on my part, if i do say so myself. after lunch, we walked to leo's and had some ice cream, then me, lindsay, brianne, and rachel went over to the lake and sat there for a while. and now i'm here, trying to get grace and find out if she can come tonight or not. i will not be a happy camper (hah, nick!) if she can't. hmph.

love .. abby

erin and dan. you freaking did it again. i even told you, over and over again, actually, and you do it again. and you wonder why i'm mad at you. maybe if you actually tried, instead of using kendra's words and not your own, we would be getting somewhere. but since you aren't, don't think things are going to get better on their own.

the whole world's waiting for the sun. <3

he saved my dandelion.

aww, fun day. gym--no hockey. :( english--crammed everything in. resource--lost to kim in clue, haha. and wore the freaking awesome cowboy hat. geometry--outside day. i was in a group with tyler and breanne.. so i did everything. french--not much of anything. just hung out.

it's over. 4 hours and i'm out of there for a while. i'm dreading august when i have to go back. i mean, you know it's getting bad when your friends invite you to anile's, but you'd rather come home and avoid people.

God, i can't take it anymore.

i just need that ride. or i need to be sitting in the back of your car, like i was today, just crying. "it's okay, everything will be alright. i'm here for you, it's okay, nena." gah, i love you.

i'm amazed by the way i really need you..

took a walk today. in the middle of the storm. kinda cool once i thought about it. like there's a storm inside of me.. and just being out there inside of a bigger one made me feel a little better. i just walked.. through the pouring rain. thought about aj a lot. and pat. gah, i wish i could just tell someone. well, i did. i told grace. but i still have this guilty feeling inside of me. like i know what's going to happen, but i can't do anything to save him from it. i hate knowing that i can keep him from hurting, but i don't have the ability to use that power. when it happens, i'll feel even worse.

i really need to get out of here. i need to just put on my sneakers, walk out the front door, and run. run until my legs can't take me any farther. then when i reach that point, keep going.

i really need to go. i can't stand it here any more. my sanity level is rapidly dropping.

hurry summer.



--i cannot wait until friday night. <3>

i'm so pissed off right now, i can't even think straight.

i just need to get out of here. please, hurry.

freaking sweet. dci with brett, kelly, and the drum majors of the big spring band. how awesome.

why can't i breathe?

last night rocked, haha. with grace, courtney, erin, tara, sarah, tori, ali, erin l., david (he won by default.. no boobs, not fair), kendra, eileen, erin r., steph, candy, johnathan, p. lee, kiki, autum, lauren, and elisabeth AND BRIANNE!!!! that was a good time. i got lots of great pictures, i'm so excited to get them developed. sarah loved the necklace that i made her, which is really cool. we played volleyball and ultimate in the rain.. which was also a great time. RUB THE COCONUTS FOR GOOD LUCK! haha, that's right, we owned. lots of food.. fruit (ahhh, i loved the fruit). good stuff.

happy birthday to you. happy birthday to you. happy birthday, dear sarah. happy birthday to you. *here's to 16* (a day late, haha.. happy birthday, girl.)

not much happening today. babysitting evan till 12. foundry day till 2. babysitting kyle till 4. then the boredom sets in. anyone want to do anything tonight?

Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh, they turn their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

grace is an idiot. she won't wear a coconut bra with me. haha, tonight is going to be freaking awesome. luau.. woohoo, always a blast. and two other things to frace--no concert AND no movies. gahhh, you're killing me here! hmph, so because grace is a loser, the only thing i'm doing this weekend is going to foundry day with jeremy and babysitting evan and kyle (double decker). sunday, i'm not sure if i'm going to church, because i have aunt michelle's china picnic. how cool is she. she's 24, has already been to all of europe, lived in germany, is going to china for 6 weeks to follow her dream, speaks 3 different languages (and soon to be 4.. mandarin chinese.. rather amusing to read one of her books). she's gorgeous, brilliant, and lived in hollywood, where she met tom cruise, harrison ford, and tom hanks.. oh, and got asked to be on the bacholerette (but she turned them down because she was dating tomas). if i turn out to be half of what she is, i'll be happy. i will certainly miss her while she's gone, and i pray for her safety.

Blondie3535: super sweet sorbet. the best alliteration of all time. :)
Blondie3535: or sweet, super sexy sorbet.
^here's to a summer full of lots of movies, lots of sorbet, lots of hott guys, and lots of pool time--just the two of us. may it be the best one yet.

give me reason to come back.

had some nice conversations with a few people today. had my last conversation with rutz today. haha, he didn't pick on me (boy, that's a first).. and we talked about summer and college and track. that was just what i needed. had a nice conversation with tyler, too. he talked to tasha, which is good, i suppose, but there's only a few days left, so i couldn't care less. talked to emily today, too..

God, I just don't know what's with me. I feel like I'm not even me anymore.. like I'm someone else in my body, steering my life miserably out of control. I don't even know myself anymore. I'm not happy around my friends.. I only feel at home with people that don't know me. It's like my conscience is trying to hide something, but I don't know what. I need out of here. I need to just go. Go somewhere secluded and just sit, and think. You have no idea, that's all I need. But that even seems so far away.

Please hurry.

"go now." -bren

tonight rocked. haha, it was so freaking awesome. i sat in between ryan peterman and courtney.. that was a good time. we discovered the most kick butt sugar in the entire world: sugar in the raw. oh. my. goodness. we were just eating it out of the packet.. rather amusing, actually.

"would you like some sugar on those mashed potatoes?"
"umm, no."

"why didn't you eat the icing?"
"there was too much.. and i wanted the cake more."
"interesting. hey, it looks cool. like a fork! have you ever really looked at a fork?"
^peterman, you crack me up.

here's to all the seniors. we had a great season. annie, ko, aly, pat, aj, austin, clint, pat, josh. we love you all.

"Boiling Springs Track & Field. The best team I've ever coached."
"#1 Pasta Party"

i'll be just fine.

soooooo..

today was rather uneventful. i suck at softball. i hate animal farm. i'm better than erin in the library. geometry is beyong boring. i hate my french class, i love courtney.

tonight is the banquet. how fun. i'm seriously looking forward to it. i can just get out of this house for a little while, away from all of my friends. i'm going to a place where everyone has one thing in common, and that's what brings us all together. no reason for stupid fighting, or inviting over stupid boys. nothing like that, just reminiscing of the season and all our great accomplishments. aj and bixler -- my hurdling king and queen. clint noll and allie routch -- my throwing king and queen. russ hernes and anna spisak -- my jumping king and queen. pat roach and mary dell -- my sprinting king and queen. austin rutz and pat lieto -- my relay kings. courtney houston and the dowlings -- my relay queens.

these are from my love, lindsey rae.

You've got the arms I want around me, the eyes I want to lose myself in, and the voice I could listen to for hours. And its times like these that I just want to spill my heart out to the world just so you know how i feel about you. Everytime she laughs, she hopes he's watching. Not so he'll see she's happy, but maybe, just maybe he'll fall for her smile as hard as she fell for his. You're the only one who seems to make my life make sense. What hurts me the most is the way you look at her.